Photography

I gave Sam her camera yesterday morning and helped her sling the band around her neck. She held the camera as if it were always part of her and looked up at me lovingly. She than gave me a gentle hug and kiss. She was very happy. It was a gorgeous day, so we went outside and we took a "hike" around the perimeter of the facility. Sam would stop periodically as her legs would get tired from holding them up while i was pushing her in the wheelchair. Each time we stopped I asked her if she wanted to take a picture. Sometimes she did and sometimes not. Her pictures were pretty good, and I actually can say that they are better than anything I could do. She is as we all know very imaginative and resourceful and so when the camera seemed too heavy for her to hold up, she leaned it on her stomach and aimed the lens and took the picture. I wasn't expecting those pictures to be any good, but in fact they were perfectly focused on her subject. After it got a little too warm outside, we went into the car and I drove through the "drive-through" window at McDonald's, which has become our habit, and picked-up a strawberry banana smoothie for Sam. She loves them and always seems amused when we do this. We then went over to Joan and Bill's apartment (where I stay on Saturday nights) and we hung out for the rest of the afternoon. I had already picked-up lunch for Sam and we sat and "talked" (I do all the talking, because Sam has stopped talking for now), took naps and watched some TV. She did manage to say a few words to me yesterday though, which was surprising, she said "I love you a lot, and I've been meaning to tell you this for awhile". She also said she misses me. I was very touched, and told her the same. When we returned to the facility at 5:00 pm (I request "day passes" for Sam on the weekends now, from around 10:00-5:00), there was a big crowd upstairs in the "living room" area, with everyone watching T.V. We parked ourselves in front to see what everyone was watching, and it turned out to be a Fleetwood Mac reunion with Stevie Nicks performing. Everyone was transfixed...I imagine because most of the people there are former hippies. However we too were fascinated. I asked Sam if she remembered that she used to do a terrific Stevie Nick's impression that would crack-up our friend Aileen (she always laughed so much it turned to tears) and Sam did remember, I could tell. She started laughing right away an mouthing very quickly what would have been her impression. if she were making sounds. We sat there for a long while and Sam took my hand to hold in hers. As odd as it sounds, it was a wonderful way to end the afternoon.

Sam's Understanding

I had a great weekend with Sam. I took her out for the day on Saturday. I first drove with her through a McDonald's drive through window to get Sam a large strawberry milkshake. She was amused by it all. I also drove by a lot of shops and shopping centers and Sam really was interested in going into some of the stores. I told her that we might try doing some shopping next weekend. We then went to Joan and Bill's apartment and stayed there all day. We were able to watch the new artist show on Bravo, and comment on it together. Sam was fascinated by it all and made some faces at the artwork. She even said out loud at one point..."I have some better pieces than that"...which of course is true and of course is the statement that any decent artist would make after watching the show. We had a lot of fun watching it together. I realized over the weekend that Sam's short term memory seems to be getting much better. In the afternoon, when I asked her about the milkshake, she remembered it was strawberry and that it was from McDonald's. She in fact remembered the whole morning, which was terrific. I had also brought Sam her camera for the weekend, and I just put it around her neck. She had a great big smile on her face when I did that. Although she didn't take any pictures, she held onto the camera and was quite content to have it as part of her being. We were also very affectionate with each other and that was really nice. On Sunday, we went to Inner Art class and Sam made a beautiful painting. She also shared her work with everyone at the end of the class which was amazing, as she used her voice to tell everyone that her piece was "heartfelt". The class gave her a round of applause. Also, one of the CNAs who works with Sam a lot, told me a wonderful story about her. On Thursday morning when Andrea, the CNA, went in to wake Sam up at the usual time- around 7:00 am, Sam was already up, wide awake in bed. Andrea was surprised and said "Sam- you're up already?". Sam used her voice and said, that she'd been up for awhile and was "very upset". Andrea asked her why she was so upset and Sam said "because this is all very hard on Marcie- It's all very hard on her". Andrea said she started tearing up when Sam said that. Andrea told Sam that she was getting much better and pretty soon, Sam would be back home with me. I was very touched by Sam's words, and of her understanding, which some days runs deep.

Memorial Day Weekend

For the first time in about 6 months, I was able to take Sam home for a few days over the Memorial Day weekend. The first thing I noticed was that Sam has gotten much stronger physically and her level of understanding has grown as well. She was able to transfer to the car much more easily than in the past and could sit up for much longer periods of time. Overall it was wonderful to have Sam home and we had a great weekend. On Saturday, Ipicked Sam up early and our fiends Lisa and Tony came-up for a visit. We were able to help Sam outside to our little deck (with a bit of effort negotiating some tough spots) and sat out there all afternoon. Our friends Wendy and Aileen also joined us later in the day. Sam was doing quite well on Saturday. One of the highlights was when Lisa presented Sam with a beautiful framed photograph that Lisa had commissioned for Sam. Sam looked at it and tried to say something, but no words were coming out. I was able to interpret for Lisa and told Lisa that Sam really likes the piece. Lisa then looked at Sam and said "Do you really like it Sam?" I suggested to Sam that she try and clear her throat so she could tell Lisa what she really thought about the piece directly. Without hesitation, Sam cleared her throat and said out loud "Lisa, I am deeply touched" I think we all started tearing up. Lisa was able to talk to Sam about all the art shows she and Tony had seen in the last few weeks and noted the ones that she thought Sam would have especially enjoyed. Sam was thrilled to be in her element and be listening to her friend talk about art with her. It was great. After all the energy that Sam put out on Saturday, Sunday, in contrast found Sam needing to sleep the majority of the day. She did want to watch an opera on channel 13, which bored me, but it felt kind of normal...Sam watching something intense and artistically based, while I got bored with it and wanted to do something else. On Monday, Sam again was quite content, lively and her level of understanding was deeper than in the past. She also was talking out loud a lot more than she does at the facility and for the most part, ate well too. It was hard for me to bring her back on Monday evening, but Sam seemed fine with it. It was like she had taken a vacation and now she was headed back home. She was happy, and that was good. We had a fun ride back, as Sam vetoed certain songs on the radio and turned up the volume on others. When we arrived back and the nurses asked Sam how her time at home was, Sam replied out loud "wonderful, wonderful". The nurses couldn't believe Sam was talking. Neither could one of the neighbors near by, who said "she talks" (I actually didn't know that that particular neighbor could talk either). Sam wanted to sit in the common room with the large screen TV. I noticed that there was a Meg Ryan all day movie festival taking place, and I told Sam that she was in luck! Sam laughed out loud. When she was well, Sam would not have watched a Meg Ryan film even for a second. When I left, I told her to enjoy the festival and again she smirked that Sam smirk and waved goodbye.

Progress?

On Saturday, I was able to be with Sam in Physical Therapy and she walked up 4 big stairs just by holding onto the handrail and with the PT holding onto her! She then walked down 7 small stairs. This was the first time I've seen Sam doing stairs and I was really impressed. Sam is absolutely amazing and is getting physically stronger. The therapists are also working on her balance and so I stood on one side of Sam holding her arm and the therapist on the other and Sam walked the length of the gym back/forth with a number of rests in between for almost a half hour. That too was amazing. Sam also decided to talk with us during therapy. I was surprised because Sam really hasn't been talking. In fact, this week I learned that Sam has not reached her goals in speech class and after two months of changing her goals and changing her medications, the Speech therapist, Meghan, has actually had to stop individual speech class with Sam. I was extremely upset, but Meghan said that this can happen with anoxic brain injuries. She said that Sam has great potential (unlike some of the other patients) and so might be back working with her in another month or so, and that they are monitoring her. Sam in fact still has her group speech therapy class along with all the other therapies and other type classes, such as tai chi/breathing class. It is true that Sam has been speaking very little on the weekends, but I just assumed that she was speaking more in her classes. This obviously was not the case. Sam also has developed a really bad problem with eating...or I should say not eating/spitting out her food. This problem has gotten worse over the last few weeks. I've asked the head nurse to see if the recent change in medication might be causing this, since it all seems to have happened around the same time. However, with all this said, Sam was speaking-up a storm on Saturday and even did karaoke on Sunday during the all day radio request show. The person in charge asked Sam to pick-out a Queen song and she picked out "Bicycle" . When the song was playing, Sam sang the chorus out loud every time..."Bicycle, Bicycle, I want to ride my bicycle I want to ride my bike...I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride it where I like......We also were able to spend time on Saturday at Joan and Bill's apartment and Sam sat in the lazy boy chair, legs stretched out watching the big screen TV....she was so relaxed. It was wonderful to see her like that. We were able to be there for three wonderful hours and then returned to the facility. I do think Sam needs to get out for awhile and next weekend, Memorial day weekend, I will be bringing her home for a couple of days. After a really nice weekend with Sam, when I went to say goodbye to her on Sunday, she hugged me briefly and then pushed me away. I asked her if she was mad a me... and she said "yes". I said are you mad because I'm leaving you and she said "yes". I told her that if I could, I really would just want to be there with her and spend all my time by her side...she gave me a big smile and I gave her a big kiss.
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New computer

This weekend I finally got Sam a computer and she is very happy to have one. Thanks to Wendy and Aileen, who visited over the weekend, Sam's computer got set-up properly. She now has her own email account at samorris1961@yahoo.com For those who wish, please send Sam emails directly to her and then she and I can read them and can respond together each weekend. When Aileen was setting up the computer she asked Sam if she already had an email account -and without hesitation Sam said yes and recited her old MMA account. Sam can type a bit on the computer but needs assistance to remember how to turn it on, how to use it in general and even to remember it is there. However, she was excited to watch msnbc clips of Rachel Maddow's show - especially the cocktail hour clips and was just very generally engaged. We went outside Saturday afternoon and strolled around the grounds. Wendy took lots of great pictures. As Sam's stamina becomes better, I've noticed that her daily schedule has been filling-up. Besides from her physical, occupational and speech therapies every day - Sam's schedule also includes the following:
8:00am- Breakfast
9:15 - Preview and Plan
10:30 - Information Processing
12:00 - Personal Best
1:00 - Lunch
3:00 - Mind and Body Arts
4:00- Creative Engineering
6:00 - Dinner

No wonder she is tired when I see her on the weekends! She works extremely hard during the week. On Sunday when I came in the facility, the aides stopped me right away and told me that for the first time, Sam almost went missing this morning....apparently Sam took the elevator downstairs by herself and went onto a different unit. She has never done that on her own before. When I asked Sam why she had gone downstairs, she told me that she just wanted to go "exploring". It's a good sign.

Our 16 Year Anniversary

This past Wednesday, April 28th, 2010, Sam and I celebrated our 16 year anniversary together. This was the first time since we met that we weren't together on our anniversary. Not knowing what Sam's state would be during the week, I had decided not to visit on Wednesday, but instead to talk with her about our anniversary over the weekend. It is thanks to all of our amazing friends that I was able to get through the week and a special thanks to Wendy, who celebrated her 50th birthday on April 28th as well. Wendy gave Sam and I a very special surprise present for our anniversary. She coordinated and gathered over 20 people mostly from our neighborhood, but all who either knew Sam and I before this happened, or have been involved in our lives in some way over the past year and a half. Wendy gathered everyone last Saturday and had them all work on our house, our deck, side garden, back yard, gutters, everything. It was a total makeover for the outside of the house. Everyone was told to bring a plant and had their job to do during the day. I arrived home late Sunday evening and was so overwhelmed by the transformation and the overflowing of flowers, that I couldn't stop crying for awhile. This is what Wendy wanted for her 50th birthday present...to give Sam and I a special place. to come home to. Yesterday, when I saw Sam I couldn't wait to tell her about it all, and right away I started crying again. Sam very lovingly, took my head in her hands and pulled me to her, comforting me. When I got myself together, I then told her I had been very sad during the week, and again, she pulled me close, but this time gave me a big hug. she looked around for a minute and then pointed to the bed and told me to go lie down. She was looking after me. Later that morning, we went and sat outside and enjoyed the beautiful weather before it got to hot. We just quietly held hands. The whole weekend continued in this way, quiet but loving.

Doing Stairs

Bill called me tonight just to let me know that he saw Sam in the gym this afternoon with the physical therapist and with Meghan the speech therapist. Sam was doing stairs and Meghan was having her count ...1, 2...1, 2 each time she went up and down. Bill said she was doing great and in good spirits. He was impressed and just wanted me to know. This past weekend too was terrific. On Sunday, Sam had her special one-on-one hour long painting class which then rolls into the regular "Inner Art" session which lasts for 2 hours. Sam's stamina was great and she painted 3 beautiful works. Dahalia is having me paint now as well, and in fact it was a lot of fun to be painting alongside Sam. We shared each others palettes a bit and were certainly influenced by each other. Dahalia suggested that we may wish to do a mural together...and both Sam and i thought that was a great idea. When Sam was well, we used to talk about doing joint projects together, as our work was so very different. We thought it might have been fascinating. Now it seems like that may actually happen. On Saturday, I had brought Sam's camera and put it around her neck. Sam's smile lit up the room. She automatically held onto the camera as if it were another limb. It really has always been a part of Sam and so it was nice to see that that has not changed. Sam also had a handmade joke book on her table, and at first she told me that she had made the booklet. I was very impressed, but latter realized that the booklet had been made by her roommate's niece and they had left it there for Sam because she was so enjoying the jokes. Here is one that both of us got a good laugh from:
Q. What happens when you throw a green rock into the red sea? A. It gets wet!

Group Show

It has been a few weeks since I last blogged and in the interim, Sam has had her ups and downs, with medication adjustments a wonderful visit from her close friend Lisa and one-on-one painting classes with Dahalia in Inner Art. Over the last few weeks Sam has overall been very tired, upset and rather depressed. However with some slight medication adjustments, she seems back on the right track. Sam and I recently got checked off on doing transfer training. This means that I can now take Sam off the premises, take her for drives or even for an overnight at home. I've decided to start out slowly with Sam and so this weekend, which was sunny and beautiful was the first weekend we were able to go out the front door and we went all about the grounds of the facility. It was lovely. Also, over the last couple of weeks, Dahalia has decided that Sam works better without any distractions and so she has special one-on-one sessions with Sam 45 minutes before "Inner Art" class starts. Sam loves the privacy and is doing some nice abstract paintings. Dahalia wanted me to participate this weekend and so with Sam's approval, I painted alongside. Sam really enjoyed having me participate. Dahalia is planning a group show of all the student's work and Sam is excited about it. I think it will be great to see Sam's progression over the last few months and all her work up on the walls. If I keep participating, I too might be in the show.

Photographs and Poetry

Last week Sam started working with her speech therapist Meghan on writing poetry in relationship to her photographs. Sam had mentioned wanting to do this in her "therapeutic story" and Meghan told me that they had started. Meghan also explained the process, which was that she had asked Sam to pick out about 7 or 8 of her photographs from the box of her work that I had brought in from home. The box contained about 70 photo's all of which Sam had not only taken herself, but had printed up in our bathroom in Brooklyn way back when. After Sam picked out the photo's - she then focused on a couple to look at and talk about. Meghan then recorded and wrote down what Sam said. In the whole box, there were only two photo's of me, and Sam apparently picked one of them out and used it as the first piece to write about. Sam gave her permission again for me to share her poetry on this blog. The first photograph is a picture Sam took of me a long time ago in the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. The other photograph she wrote about is a picture of two trees, also from the Gardens.

(3/3/2010)
Marcie in the Park _

She sits on a big rock
looking at me
the trees are trembling
the grass is flat
the rock holds her up
the petals are not familiar
with where Marcie is sitting

(3/4/2010)
Window Sill

Two trees
standing still
entry to the trees
we went
fishing

Sam's Story

"Sam Morris Therapeutic Narrative February 2010" is what I discovered in Sam's binder this weekend. Meghan, her speech therapist would have worked with her on the narrative. I asked Sam if she would share her story with me, and she was happy to do so. Sam read the full page out loud. Afterwards, I asked Sam if I could share part of her story with her friends on this blog site and she said "yes". I am just going to excerpt a few sections from the beginning and the end of her story. It is all very moving and inspirational: "My name is Sam Morris. I am here today to tell a story. A story about myself. I am 48 years old. Last year I had a heart problem that left me with a brain injury. Now I am at the Northeast Center for Special Care in Lake Katrine, NY for rehabilitation. I am working on improving my memory and the way that I process information. Also, my balance has been affected.....Occasionally when I talk I forget to use my voice. I am trying not to whisper, but to talk loud enough for everyone to hear me...... I get tired easily, and sometimes feel overwhelmed. When this happens, I should ask for a break. I can stop and rest whenever I feel the need to..... My goal is to become more independent so that I can go home. I want to be more musical, I want to grow my art and I have thought about writing poetry and am starting a project to write about my photographs. I am getting better every day. I am intelligent and strong and motivated to continue to improve. I have the love and support of all my friends, who are rooting for me everyday. I believe in myself and will work hard and participate in my therapies so that I can get back to it!" It was great to talk with Sam about her story and I love that the therapist works with Sam in this way. Another highlight Saturday morning was that the physical therapist came by and had Sam walk around the entire floor on a low walker. I walked behind Sam the whole way with the wheelchair for when she needed to sit down for a break. She did really well. I have never seen her walk on a low walker before, so it was a real treat. She has definitely gotten much stronger and she stands up straight now, which is also very good. Each time she would sit down to rest I would give her a little kiss on her cheek and she would break into a gigantic smile. It was great. Sam also painted for an hour in Inner Art class that afternoon and she and I just joked around a lot. When I was taking her to the class one of the aides, asked if I was her sister (this is a common question that I get all the time). I told her I was her partner, etc. which was fine. When Sam and I were on the elevator by ourselves I said to Sam "at least she didn't ask if I was your mother". Sam cracked-up at this and at many other such jokes that went back and forth throughout the day. On Sunday morning, I arrived very early, early enough for breakfast for the first time ever and caught Sam finishing-up pancakes, bananas, yogurt and a mighty shake. Wow! that was a lot of food and I was thrilled to see her eating so well. I knew that it was going to be another good day, which it was. Sam was very much Sam on Sunday, meaning that she wanted to look at her camera and to listen to PJ Harvey and just relax. It was truly a lovely weekend.

Feeling Hopeful

Although not much has changed visibly from last weekend to this one, somehow I feel that Sam's cognition has gone up a notch or two and plateaued for now. The healing and recovery process is VERY slow. It is not hours or days, but rather months and years. One of the neighbors on Sam's unit complemented Sam on Saturday for remembering her name and she, Bridget, told me that Sam was doing well. I later befriended Bridget's sister and had a long conversation about all that they have been through and about the recovery process in general. Bridget is actually doing quite well and is on her way to becoming independent. Bridget has been in rehabilitation one year longer than Sam. Their brain injuries are quite similar, although Sam's is a bit more severe. My conversation however did provide continued hope for the future.
Sam was in a good mood this weekend although she had caught a 24 hour virus earlier in the week that had been making its way through the facility. She joked with me about KD Lang...yes, I brought in a KD Lang tape to play for Sam just because I figured that she would automatically know all the words to all her songs (she did). Sam's humor however came out with the music as she feigned sadness at one of the songs and started rubbing her eyes as if she were crying. - I started to tell Sam that she didn't need to be upset - that it was only a song...and Sam then gave me that mischievous look of hers and started laughing, saying she got me. I also brought in a laptop computer but could not get on the Internet with it. Sam however was fascinated with the computer and all of my attempts to get online. Sam tried to direct me, but I could not quite follow it all. I knew that Sam was trying to tell me what I had to do, but that I just could not figure it out. I will have to bring in a computer for her permanently, as she really perked up when we were playing with it.

Valentines Day

Last year at this time Sam had just left St. Joseph's hospital after 3 months and had arrived at Mount Sinai's Brain Trauma unit a couple of days earlier. She had not yet started to speak, was still on oxygen and had a trach. I remember picking-up some roses at a cart downstairs from Mount Sinai- knowing at the time it was more for me than for Sam. Sam was not very aware last February 14th, so I can't help but notice the great contrast this year, although it is all relative. Sam and I spent a very loving but quite Valentines day together yesterday. Sam appreciated the card I gave her and even started crying a little bit. The card was made by one of the "neighbors" in a printmaking class at the facility and some of the proceeds go to the individual artist and the rest to the facility. Sam was in her non-speaking mode for the full day and was very sleepy. Although she had her eyes closed, she was aware, unlike last year, and held my hand, kissing and hugging me periodically throughout the day. We just kind of hung out all day. I let Sam pick-out some music for the afternoon and Sam chose a Josephine Baker tape that seemed quite appropriate for Valentines Day. I asked Sam to translate the French songs for me, but she just smiled at me, knowingly. I knew she understood the words but it was just too hard for her to tell me all. I had also brought Sam's large digital camera for her, and she quickly snapped some photo's - rather intuitively, then shut the camera off, put the flash down and handed it back to me. She was not in the mood for picture taking, although what she snapped was pretty good. As always it was hard to leave her when it came time to say goodbye. She was slumped over in her wheelchair out in the large "living-room" type area near the nursing station. I just kissed the back of her neck which was exposed, wishing her a good week. She nodded and raised her hand to wave goodbye, all the time keeping her eyes closed and head slumped.

Care Team Report

Sam has now been in Rehabilitation programs for one-year. The progress she has made in this time-period is astounding. There is simply no comparison to where she was a year ago at Mount Sinai to where she is now. It has been three months since she has transitioned to the Northeast Center for Special Care and we had our monthly review yesterday afternoon. I received a great report on Sam. The report measured her progress from the month before and on all counts Sam has improved. Most importantly, all the therapists have noticed that she is now able to advocate for herself. It is just a start, but she will at times have strong opinions on various topics; "NO, I do not want to go to therapy today" - the therapists listen to her when she says no; "I need a break" she says in her speech class. These are very good signs. Also, Sam seems to have taken control of her peseveration issues; i.e. her repeating of words and ideas has lessened. She is more in control and is speaking outloud more instead of just mouthing words. Her attention span has also increased- in speech therapy Meghan had been only able to work with her for about 10 minutes at a time and then take a long break, now however, just in the last month, that has increased to 30 minutes at a time. This is very good. In occupational therapy, they have changed her therapist to someone who will solely work with her a few times a day on what is called ADL's- or activities of daily living....putting clothes on, washing your hands/face, eating, etc. They think at this moment that this change will be the most effective for Sam. Her eating still is problematic but they say it is a function of her cognitive levels...when she is more aware she will eat well and recognize the food as food, but when she is less aware, the food is not really identifiable as food, so Sam she will spit it out or be unclear as to what purpose it serves. She loves her mighty shakes, and those keep her weight on, so they are not concerned about her erratic eating behaviors. Also, Sam now attends a "body and mind" class a few days a week, which focuses on breathing exercises and Tai Chi. I was thrilled to hear this since Sam had been taking Tai Chi classes in Chinatown on her own, back when she was well. They will try to work into her scheudle some more painting classes as well as trying out a printmaking and jewerly making class. Overall, the director of the program said that by all reports Sam was making great progress and they were very pleased.

A Great Day

This weekend started off poorly as Sam was very emotional, crying a lot and said she missed me terribly. Sam just wanted me to take her home and kept asking me to do so. She was also confused and talking about things from her past that seemed to be happening in the present. In stark contrast to Saturday, however, Sunday was the best I have seen Sam- period. I could tell immediately on Sunday morning that she was in a totally different state. When I arrived, Sam was sitting out in the living room area, with a bunch of the other "neighbors" and when I went to greet her and said "Hi Sam" she said "Hi Marcie" back to me which is actually very unusual, because she usually repeats what you say and normally would say "Hi Sam"back. Then very pointedly she asked "How are you? I told her I was doing well and she said "good - I worry about you". This was actually a rare conversation and of course one that showed how much she was thinking and caring about me. It was very touching.
The other neighbors whom I've come to know very well, all came up to me and wanted me to know what Sam did on Friday night. Apparently, after dinner, the physical therapist came by with a special walking machine, and had Sam walk around the whole top floor of the facility. The neighbors told me that they were all amazed at how well Sam did and they were encouraging her to keep going. They said she moved fast and didn't mess-up her footing. I told Sam how proud I was of her and she seemed to be beaming. It was also quite moving that the neighbors all care so much about Sam and are rallying around her wanting to see her do well. Another neighbor, Jonathan, wheeled up to me a little bit later and said that I should record my voice for Sam so that during the week she wouldn't be so lonely and I could encourage her to eat. He said the nurses could play the tape for Sam periodically so that she could just be comforted by my voice. Again, I almost teared up at how concerned Jonathan was for Sam and how much his suggestion made sense. I had brought food with me as usual this weekend and Sam ate everything on Sunday. She even ate all of her lunch which was unusual. Eating is a factor of her awareness level and Sam was the most aware I've seen her. I was also shocked by Sam's short term memory. I had brought the newspaper with me and showed Sam the book review page with Patti Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe on the cover. Later in the day Sam wanted to see some more of the paper, so I took out the book review again (this was about 3 hours later) and Sam said to me..."you already showed this to me ...I want to see something new". - Wow! That was really the first time I've experienced her short-term memory coming back. Later on in the day, I played Annie Lenox's greatest hits and Sam knew almost all the words to all the songs and sang it out loud. Sam was talking and singing clearly all day. What an absolute treat. I didn't want to leave on Sunday night because I was not sure when I would see so much of Sam coming through again. When I did go to say goodbye to Sam, she looked and me and said, "oh, am I coming with you?" ....and as my heart broke and I told her not now sweetie, another time, she seemed okay with that answer. My favorite medication nurse, Michelle gave me a big hug good bye, as she had witnessed both the trouble on Saturday with Sam and then the exact opposite on Sunday. She understood on a very deep level the emotional toll such a weekend takes on a person. There are some amazing people at the Northeast Care Center, and Sam is slowly healing, surrounded by them all.

Taking Each Day as it Comes

I never do know what to expect when I walk into the NorthEast Care Center every Saturday morning, after taking a very long deep breath before entering. Will Sam be in a good state, or not. How cognitive will she be...will she be talking this weekend or will she be quiet. If she is talking, will she be confused and talking about crazy things or will she be talking clearly. Will she be spitting out all her food and the staff worried about her or will she be content and eating well. Some weekends all of the above occur, while on other occasions, Sam's state leans more in one direction or the other. Patience and faith I am told, that's what this injury is all about for the family members, patience and faith.

This weekend leaned in an overall good direction. One constant for Sam and I is the love we share. When I arrived Sam always gets emotional and Saturday morning was no exception. She hugged me for a long time and then said "I want to hold onto you forever". The rest of the morning however, Sam kept very quiet with her eyes closed. We did have a therapy session with Carolyn, the occupational therapist and so Sam and I worked together for an hour. I was actually very impressed with how strong Sam has gotten and that Carolyn now has Sam doing sit-ups. Sam never was able to do sit-ups when she was well, so this is a fairly major accomplishment. The sit-ups help Sam's trunk control, which is getting much better. Sam and I then went to lunch, where Sam proceeded to spit-up everything she touched. I tried not to get upset and figured tomorrow is another day. Sam and I then proceeded to "Inner Art" class, where Sam was doing well until Dahlia asked everyone if they wanted to work on hearts in preparation for valentines day. Sam said yes, and so Dahlia drew her a heart on the painting she was working on (with Sam's permission)and tried to get Sam to paint inside the heart. Sam became very upset and frustrated and yelled out that she couldn't do it. Dahlia later explained that she was testing Sam a bit with structure to see what level she was working at and was very sorry to have gotten her so upset. She sees that Sam is doing free-form work and needs to continue to do so for awhile. Dahlia was still terrific through it all in the way that she talked with Sam about her emotions and explained the situation to us. Sunday was a better day for Sam. We both sang to the B52's, and Sam asked me to bring her the largest camera in the world. I told her I'd look into that for her. We then looked through the Howard Hibbard book on the MMA's collection together. I started talking to Sam about some of the art works and she said kindly to me "I don't need to know the things I studied and already know" - wow. There is also always a moment of wow on the weekends with Sam and this was it. She really recognized and understood the art, and didn't need me talking to her about it. The fact she could express herself in this way was great. At lunch on Sunday, Sam ate everything and even asked for more. The CNA's also told me a story about Sam that occurred during the week. - Apparently everyone was in the dining room and Shane was making a lot of noise at the back table (Shane can't talk, but manages to vocalize quite well). Sam got disturbed, so she took her sneakers off and threw them at Shane. I was kind of shocked to hear the story, but everyone who told me thought it was quite amusing and I figured that it was a good sign that Sam can take her sneakers off herself, as this is one of the constant tasks performed in occupational therapy. In the afternoon we sat out in the "living-room" area with the football game on the big TV screen. As the "neighbors" started to gather in the living room, much to my amazement, Sam looked and me and said "you can go now.. you can go home". She wasn't happy about saying this, but I could see she was doing it for me. I gave Sam a big hug and told her I'd see her next week.

Update

Sam spent 1-1/2 hours in "Inner Art" class on Saturday focused the whole time on her acrylic painting. It was the first time that Sam really was looking at the whole page and composition. She was able to ask for what she needed from both the therapist, Dahlia and myself, so for instance she requested the color yellow, and water for her brushes and more different size brushes. It was as if a team of assistants were at her side, helping her creative process all along the way. Towards the end of the class, Dahlia set-aside 15 minutes for everyone to share their work for a critique. Everyone in the class participated and it was quite a wonderful experience. I wish the class were available to Sam everyday, but it is only on weekends. I put Sam's work up in her room, and there is now a nice display of her paintings and of her progress.

Last week I met with all of Sam's therapists and doctors for a conference and overall review. I was told that she is making progress but it is very slow. They spoke about every aspect of her day and broke down each area that needed focusing on. She was upgraded to the next level group speech class because they thought she was getting bored with the one she was currently enrolled. The therapists all work together so well and talk so passionately about Sam that I felt much relieved afterwards, and comforted by the fact that she is truly in the best place imaginable for her injury. They also all love working with Sam and talked about how her humor comes shining through in the classes. The speech therapist Meghan, spoke with me afterwards and said that Sam is terrific to work with and explained in a little more detail as to how she orients her each day and how they do one/on one intensive work.

Yesterday, Wendy and Aileen visited and it really had an impact on Sam, who has been very isolated in the facility, since she only sees me as part of her other life. She really shifted and for the couple of hours that her friends were visiting, Sam and I became a couple again. Sam made sure that I offered Wendy and Aileen the strawberries that she was eating, as if we were playing host in our house to our friends. Sam also became very afficionate with me in front of them and in the old fashioned way we used to interact before her injury. Afterwards, Sam was exhausted by expending so much energy and I think grappling with her two worlds (as am I); her new friends and environment at the facility and then me, and her friends, representing her connection to her other life. Sam needs to see more people from her past, but I understand how difficult it is to journey up to Lake Katrine, Kingston for the day. I could tell she was still grappling with it all when I left, but know that she will manage to handle it well, especially with all the help from the amazing staff at NECSC.

A New Year

I arrived early on New Year's day and Sam and I were wearing the same rust colored corduroy shirts. We looked like twins and people thought we looked very cute together. It is the last thing Sam and I would ever have wanted to be called "cute", but somehow, on New Year's Day 2010 in the Northeast Care Center, it was okay. All morning out in the main hallway, there was a DJ spinning albums, with the neighbors playing drums and singing into microphones. The neighbors and family members were all there having a great time... including Sam and I. The DJ knew Sam and so asked her for a request....Sam, was unable on her own to come-up with any names, so the DJ handed me a Queen album and said Sam had been singing along the other day to some of the songs...so she should pick one out. I worked with Sam who deferred to me on this (not a great idea), and so I choose the Champions...knowing it would be a good theme song for us all, but one in which, in retrospect, Sam would never have chosen. Sam would have wanted a grittier more ironic song, but so be it. The audience loved the song and that was what the DJ ended on at noon. Feeling inspired, Sam wanted to go paint, but unfortunately Dahlia and "Inner Art" was no where to be found on New Year's Day or the day after. We did take a long stroll around the facility and entertained ourselves with other activities.

New Year's weekend with Sam was lovely and she was in great spirits, which was in stark contrast to the weekend before at Christmas time. It was just wonderful to see Sam hysterical laughing in Occupational Therapy or with me throughout the day. Sam and I played Wii bowling in the clubhouse for a couple of hours and even though I had to help Sam coordinate the pressing of the buttons, swinging her arm and releasing the button all in one motion, Sam loved it. She did manage it herself a few times, but it was not easy. I also raced Sam in her wheelchair down the hall- I would walk fast and she would wheel herself. Sam won every time. We quite amused ourselves and were also in a rather passionate mood. Some of the neighbors are confused as to my relationship to Sam and continually ask me...am I her mother...her sister? They can't figure out why we are kissing so often and why Sam holds onto me so much. Identity politics for the brain injured community is a fascinating topic I'm sure, but I hate that I am in the middle of it. I can't believe that Sam has needed to be confronted with "coming-out" and all related identity issues here in Northeast Care Center. She had to do it at Park Terrace and now, here again. I too have been confronted with these issues of course, first in the hospital/s then Park Terrace and now here. It is quite frankly speaking a royal pain and added burden.

In occupational therapy, the therapist asked Sam and I to do things together, like weight lifting...I realized very quickly that I am totally out of shape and that Sam has much better upper body strength than I do (this was always the case however). One of the activities was holding a one-pound plastic baseball bat, lifting it up and down to hit a beach ball that Sam was throwing at me. We took turns throwing the beach ball at each other and using the bat....Sam had no trouble, while I on the other hand did. We also kicked a big therapy ball around and other such games. I really enjoyed doing these things with Sam and I know she did too. We ended our weekend by watching National Lampoon's European Vacation with Chevy Chase on the TV in the main lounge area near Sam's room. We both laughed out loud as Chevy Chase's character knocked over Stonehenge with his car. It was a good way to wind-up the weekend and start what I hope will be a healing and peaceful New Year.